Tribulations

May 24, 2011

Fact: I have ADHD.

Fact: I didn’t find out until late Fall/early Winter quarter.

Fact: I didn’t get treated at all until about a month ago, and nothing effective until a week ago.  Not because of me, but because of the processes and red tape involved in an adult diagnosis.

It didn’t just “pop up”, either.  I’ve dealt with it all of my life, but I always chalked up my symptoms as personality traits.  Or I assumed that what I was going through was normal.  I wasn’t really having problems in school, and any problems I had, either in school or socially, I didn’t link to anything.  Losing attention in a one-on-one conversation?  Must happen to everyone, no big deal.  Unable to focus in lecture?  It’s just me, or the class is boring.  Serial and problematic procrastination?  Everyone procrastinates.  Can’t plan anything, forget important things, no impulse control, etc? Wait, those are problems?

Well, yeah, they are.  And they killed me this year.  OChem raped me the first quarter, even though I studied as much as anyone else, if not more.  Other intense classes (like physics, calculus, etc) gave me similar problems.  I still had no idea why.  I stressed, I worried, I assumed that I just wasn’t cut out for school, biology, medicine, science… you get the picture.

It’s funny how you don’t put two and two together until you learn that two and two might be related, or that they may have a singular cause.

And there’s not much else to tell, honestly.  It’s been a struggle to even be diagnosed, much less to be taken seriously by most doctors.  And it’s very difficult to communicate the feeling I get when I take my medicine to other people.  It’s both satisfying and literally amazing to actually have the motivation to work for once.  To want to work, and to be able to do work when I want to do work.  And I came here to say that; life isn’t suddenly perfect, but it’s better.  And it’s easier to get through my day-to-day and my work.

Best of all, I have some confidence back.  And I needed that, desperately.

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