I will save your life, I will try for you

May 5, 2010

I’ve been listening to Diamond Eyes, the new Deftones CD all day.  It is beautiful, stunning, and overall nothing short of amazing.  If you haven’t listened yet, do so quickly.  You won’t regret it.

I submitted my story yesterday.  It’s just the “first” draft.  Really, it’s the second draft and has only a little similarity to the true first draft.  The first draft emotionally exhausted and drained me.  The second draft was hell.  I’m not looking forward to revising again, because I know I will revise at least twice more, if not more than that.

I’m not looking forward to the next couple of weeks, starting with the week I’m in and going past the weekend of the 16th.  It’s going to be pure non-stop hell.  Too much moving and bouncing around, too much work, too much studying, too much of everything.  I’ve been forcing myself to work harder this week, and I’m going to have to keep it up for a little while.  The problem is, I don’t know if I have the energy to do it.  I’ll be running on pure caffeine before too long, I already know.  What’s bad is I’m already running on a caffeine crutch.

Davis frustrates me in many many ways.  The school, not so much the town.  And the whole Stanford envy thing gets really bad sometimes, which makes it difficult to be here.  People here aren’t really doing anything.  They’re just going to school and getting by, and Stanford students are involved, productive; they blow Davis students out of the water.  So I become frustrated with the people I go to school with and I’m intimidated by and feel inferior to everyone that goes to Stanford.  Advantages come with prestige and money, I suppose, but I’m just very depressed by the fact that any opportunity I get here will pale in comparison to what could be had my application been a little stronger.  The student body at Davis itself is depressing.  The range of applicants they accept is too wide, and so there are smart people and incredibly stupid, dense, intellectually unmalleable people here.  Then again, the smart people here aren’t brilliant, or inspiring, or even interesting.  The faculty here could make Davis an amazing school, but the students here drag it down into the depths of mediocrity.  I don’t see it as a place to really be proud of, try as I might.  The better students here either didn’t try to get in anywhere else because Davis was at least cheap, or they were rejected from everywhere else.  Davis is made up of people who are only here because it was the safety school.  I’m hoping to make the best of it, and I’m trying, but goddammit I just don’t see anything about it that makes me proud, or happy, or even satisfied.  And I think the most depressing thing of all is the massive ego check I keep running up against every time I get a grade under an A.  Maybe I had too high expectations for myself.  If learning were the only goal, if it were all that mattered, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  I’m learning here, and learning a lot.  Probably as much as I could learn anywhere else.  But it’s not all that matters.  Opportunities, prestige, and so much more all come into play.  And what good is a brilliant professor if your school lacks prestige and amazing opportunities?  It’s only good for what you learn, but not for what you do after school.  In the end, the Stanford student with any professor and average knowledge and minimal effort will have more opportunities and will more easily get the amazing grad school or med school position or the great job, while the Davis student with maximum effort and brilliant professors will languish in mediocrity, with rare exceptions.

That’s enough venting for now.


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