A Green Eyed Monster, I

April 2, 2010

Before jumping forthright into the meat of this, a quick note:

My creative writing professor rarely makes comments on people’s writing when read aloud, which we do often.  That being said, to everything I have written in class he has made a generally positive comment or remark.  It makes me slightly happy. Now, where was I? Oh yes.

A Green Eyed Monster, I.  Well, I guess that’s the fancy way to put it.  I’ve been envious, of late.  Mostly of medical personnel.  I’ve been on the scene or very near the scene of someone needing CPR, and all I could do was stand by.  At the first I was ordered to stay behind, and I couldn’t even watch.  I was livid during and afterwards.  I referred to it as a medical cockblock.  I may be alone in this, and perhaps its just my insanity, but I daydream about bad accidents, horrible traumas, insane medical situations, all so I can put myself in the middle of it and figure it out.  See what I would do.  And I secretly hope that all of those scenarios will come true.  Each and every one.  I’ve dreamt for years about coming across a car accident minutes after it happened so that I could help someone in need.  Not in an ambulance, but in my truck.  Just see it, pull up, and help.  When I was in Iraq and before I constantly thought of the most disgusting wounds and trauma possible, and all scenarios involved the soldiers I was supposed to take care of.  Not that I wanted them to get hurt, but I wanted to feel how I would react; I wanted to be there.  And most of all, I wanted work.  And so here I was, in the midst of one of my own disturbing scenarios, and I couldn’t even get close.  What. The. Fuck.  And then yesterday I happened to walk out of Peet’s Coffee to see EMT’s performing CPR on a man on the sidewalk.  I didn’t even know they were there.  I missed it.

So what does this mean?  I miss medicine.  Someone pointed it out to me after the first incident.  “You miss it, don’t you? The trauma and all.  Working in it and taking care of people?”

All I could say was “Yeah…”

I do miss it.  And it’s driving me to do better in school now.  Because I think I need medicine.  And while I love Biology and while I’ll probably do grad work in it anyways, I think I really need medicine, like it’s an addiction.  Scary thought.

But at least seeing the CPR in front of the coffee shop inspired another daydream, which inspired a story that I’ll get to use in my class.  Awesome.

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